you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
