I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
