I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
