I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
