I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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