My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
