Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
