I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
