this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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