wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
