I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
