All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
