Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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