I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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