I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
