Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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