I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
