Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You ruined the universe
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
