I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
