you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
