Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
