any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
