3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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