She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
