There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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