tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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