dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
