The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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