i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
