one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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