Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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