Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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