You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
