I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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