Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
