We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
