I can text with my tongue
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
