The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
