Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
