i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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