and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dignity is for republicans.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
