I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
