I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I pour the whiskey from now on
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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