I'm going to jail i love you
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
