please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i came on her dog
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
