hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
