i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
