I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
