I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
