I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
