you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
